


How could this be love and make me feel so bad?

by pelli



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-06-28
Packaged: 2017-12-16 10:45:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pelli/pseuds/pelli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's not, and she never will be, a casualty in someone else’s love story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How could this be love and make me feel so bad?

When Puck mentions that he’s noticed Finn and Rachel have been spending a lot of time together lately, she doesn’t think anything of it. The four of them have been close for years - since college - and it’s not unusual for them to hang out in pairings that aren’t their significant others.

They’re at Puck and Rachel’s for dinner the next time she’s talking to him, and he asks her how the bar was the night before. He obviously misses the confused look on her face because he just keeps talking; about how Rachel had gone to the small bar around the corner from her apartment the night before and he’d assumed it was with her, how she’d came in late, drunk enough to find everything funny. He’s chuckling away at the memory and she’s trying to work out why Rachel would have gone there, but not mentioned it to her.

She doesn’t let on that she’d been at home all night, alone. Finn had called her when he’d finish work to tell her that he was going to the bar with boys, and if Rachel had been out as late as Puck says then they definitely would have ran into each other. She wonders why he hadn’t mentioned it to her, and waits for either of them to say something. It’s not brought up by either of them, though, and she tries to rid the thoughts she’s having from her mind.

When she gets home, she puts on her sexiest lingerie and keeps Finn up all night, just to remind him of what he’s got. She knows that she’s the hottest he’s ever had, that he’ll ever have, and she wants him to realise that he’d be crazy to look anywhere else.

*/*

She starts taking note of how often Finn and Rachel spend time together and she’s not sure if she’s reading too much into the looks, the smiles, the touches that they share or if that’s how their relationship has always been and she’s just never paid that much attention to it. She knows that they’re really good friends; it’s their friendship that had brought the two couples together, and in the beginning, the fact that they’d known each other really well, since they were fifteen, had made both her and Puck nervous but it’s been six years now and they were long over it.

She’d go to Puck but she knows that unless she brought actual proof to him, he wouldn’t believe her. She’s finally managed to dismiss the thoughts from her mind when she sees Rachel out with another guy. It takes her all of twenty seconds to realise it’s her boyfriend.

She sees red immediately because she’s not the girl that gets cheated on. Usually, she’s the girl that guys cheat with and she’d think that this was karma coming back to bite her ass but she hasn’t been that girl in a really fucking long time. Like, back in college, before she met Finn, long time.

He’d told her that he was working late so she’d decided to stop off and get take out for dinner. She just happens to see them in the window seat of what she knows is Rachel’s favourite restaurant, as she exits the store with her order. She can’t believe that they’re being so blatant about it, that they think they’re actually going to get away with this. She wants to go over there right now and tear them both apart but instead, she picks up her phone and texts Puck, asking him where his wife is. When he replies that she’s at rehearsal she takes a picture with the camera on her phone and sends it through to him.

She doesn’t get a reply, but she sees Rachel answer her phone and then the both of them are standing from their table, Finn holding her jacket out for her as she talks on the phone.

She doesn’t know what to do right now, how she’s supposed to act and she’s wondering if Finn will mention anything. She wants to destroy them both, but she doesn’t want to lose either of them at the same time.

Finn gets home twenty minutes after her and he doesn’t act any different towards her than he usually does. She waits all night for him to say something and she’s awake long after he’s fallen asleep, his arms wrapped her, his forehead resting against her shoulder.

She’s not, and she never will be, a casualty in someone else’s love story. She doesn’t get betrayed like this either, so she thinks it’s time to start doing what she does best.

She texts Puck a time and address for the next day.

*/*

She’s been there for five minutes when there’s a knock on the door and she knows that it’s Puck. She opens it and doesn’t give him a chance to talk, just pulls him in through the doorway by his shirt and covers his mouth with hers.

He takes her against the door and it’s hard, fast and frustrating. She doesn’t really feel any better afterwards, but at least now, everyone else is as hurt - or will be - as hurt as she is.

*/*

They go to Puck and Rachel’s house for dinner a week later and she only lasts ten minutes before she fakes sick. She just can’t be there. She wants to slap the hell out of Rachel and cry on her shoulder; wants to yell and scream at Finn and make slow, lazy love to him; the kind she always denies enjoying. She can’t even look at Puck because she knows that she’ll see the hurt she feels mirrored in his eyes and she just can’t deal with it, so she pretends she’s sick and Finn takes her home.

He dotes on her all night, bringing her tea, trying to make her laugh (he hasn’t yet realised that a majority of the time she’s laughing _at_ him, not with him), tucking her in bed and wrapping himself around her. It reminds her how good they are together and they’re even now, so she’s willing to forget she knows anything at all.

That is, until she wakes up a couple of hours later and he isn’t in bed beside her anymore. It doesn’t take her long to find him; he’s in the office, his back to the door and he’s talking quietly into the phone.

“Yeah, I’m going to do it tomorrow…No, I’m not going to pussy out again, Rachel…Yeah, I can’t wait, either…Okay, I’ll see you then…Yeah, I better go check on her…Bye.”

By the time he turns around she’s in the bathroom, leaning over the toilet. He’s rubbing her back and she doesn’t know how he can make her so angry, sad, and in love, all at once.

She vows to herself then, that she’s going to destroy Rachel, whether she’s the best friend she’s ever had or not.

*/*

She goes to Puck’s office the next day and when he moves his wedding photo so it’s face down, she turns it back up. She lets him take her over his desk; her eyes focused on Rachel’s smiling face beaming up at them.

*/*

Two nights later, she comes home early to see Finn and Rachel hugging at their apartment door. When they pull apart, they’re both grinning at each other, and she watches as Rachel leans up and kisses Finn on the cheek before walking away. She manages to hide in an alcove around the corner just as Rachel gets to the elevator.

When she walks into the apartment, Finn’s just walking out of their bedroom buttoning up a new shirt. At least, he had the decency to change out of the clothes he was wearing when he was with that whore. He greets her with a “hey babe” and a kiss to the cheek, like he usually does.

She knows that tonight is the night she’s going to find out everything, but she’s surprised when he brings her a glass of wine, starts massaging her shoulders and tells her that dinner will be ready in twenty.

So, she’s never been dumped before, but she’s done plenty of dumping and this isn’t how you do it. She’s not sure if she’s going to start screaming at him or crying but she wants him to hurry the fuck up with it so she can deliver her own bombshell; if you’re going to hurt Santana, you better be prepared to be hurt yourself.

They’ve just finished eating, well, Finn’s finished eating and she’s finished pushing her food around her plate, when he clears his throat and tells her that he has something to say.

About fucking time and part of her wants to tell him not to bother and walk away, slamming some doors on her way but that’s a little too Rachel Berry for her and right now; that’s the last person she wants to be reminded about.

She’s really, really not expecting him to get down on one knee and pull out a ring. Her eyes widen, her chest tightens and all she can let out is a loud, “Fuck”.

She watches Finn take a breath before opening his mouth and she wants to stop him from talking, from saying absolutely anything, but she can’t. She’s frozen in shock and she can’t believe this is actually happening right now.

“Okay, so, I’m not good with this kind of thing so I got lots of advice from Rachel because I really wanted this to be perfect for you, but then I thought about it, and I ended up taking all her advice and going the exact opposite because, like, she had crazy ideas that were all pink and you’re not a pink girl. You’re, well, you’re kind of mean, but you make it hot and…”

She finally finds her voice and cuts him off; both because he’s a bumbling mess which, for some reason, she’s always found attractive, and also, because right now she can’t listen to him say anything good about her. She needs to work out what the fuck is going on.

“Is this…is this why you’ve been hanging out with Rachel so much lately?”

“Well, yeah. She’s your best friend, and she’s married already, and she knows like, everything about everything and sometimes, she has kind of okay ideas.”

“Fuck.”

Twenty minutes later, Finn’s slamming the front door on her and she’d cry but she’s still kind of stunned by…everything. She calls Puck but Rachel picks up and asks her to tell her everything but then doesn’t let her get a word in. She starts talking about setting dates, dress shopping, colour schemes, and how she’s so glad it’s not a secret anymore and she’s so excited. Her chest drops further than she thought possible when she hears Finn through the line.

There’s a whole lot of commotion after that; voices, thumps, and the sound of things breaking. She can’t make out what is being said but it’s not long before she hears a sob through the line and then dial tone.

*/*

She doesn’t see or hear from anyone over the next few days, and she spends that time curled up on her couch in a pair of sweats, one of Finn’s college basketball shirts, and tears. She’s tried all their cell phones but they all go straight to voicemail. She has no idea where Finn has been staying, or what is going to happen with Puck and Rachel. She spends the week thinking about all three of them and it sends guilt swirling through her stomach; so much that she ends up making herself sick.

When the doorbell finally does ring she tries to ignore it but fairly quickly, it’s obvious that whoever is there isn’t going away any time soon. When she answers it, she’s met with a stinging slap that sends her face sideways.

“I hate you.”

It stings a little, as much as she knows she deserves it, and she closes her eyes and takes a breath before meeting Rachel’s gaze. Rachel looks as terrible as she’s been feeling and it sends that guilt swirling through her stomach again.

“I know and I’m so…”

“No, you don’t get to say that. Not yet. I’m not ready to hear your excuses or apologies or whatever else you’re going to offer. I get to hate you first and right now, I’m too angry and hurt to listen to anything you have to say on the matter. I just thought you’d want to know that Finn is okay. He’s staying with a colleague from work and he’s not sure how long that will be for.”

“Okay, thank you. What about P…”

She’s cut off again and if it was any other situation, if she wasn’t grateful that Rachel’s even talking to her, she’d be pissed.

“No. You don’t get to ask me about my husband. Not after you have just tried your best to tear our marriage apart.”

“I know and I’m sorry. You’re my best friend and I really need you right now, so can you just forgive me and we move past this?”

“My god, Santana, do you even realise what you’ve done?”

She wants to scream yes but she’s pretty sure it was rhetorical question and interrupting Rachel, isn’t really ever a good idea.

“Right now, I’m trying my best to hold on to my marriage. I’m trying to work out if I can forgive my husband and you’re…you were my best friend but I’m not sure if I have enough forgiveness in me for the both of you. This…there isn’t a quick fix for this. I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to fix it.”

Rachel walks away then and once again, she’s left with only the silence of her apartment for company.

 


End file.
